


YOU

by SamTheKid



Category: 5stars - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-10-30 16:16:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20775521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamTheKid/pseuds/SamTheKid
Summary: A bunch of texts for someone dear to me.





	1. Married Life

Married Life.

A married life. Maybe that's all we wanted, both of us. But destiny had other plans. We'll never get there. We won't grow up, living each day at it's fullest, like we used to. We won't graduate and go job hunting together. We wont see each other get married (Together or not), we won't see our kids run around, having fun, living the life you couldn't live. We won't grow old and be cool grandparents. None of that will happen. Because i'll be dead long before that.

Maybe in the afterlife, we can talk about it. Laugh again at how stupid we both were. Yeah… That would be nice. A last chance to see you. A last chance to tell you everything, EVERYTHING. Because you're you. And you're always, constantly, showing up in my life. Just like Peter Parker once said. Everywhere I go, I see your face. Most specifically, your dead body on the floor. I know i should move on, I need to move on.

But how do I do it, when you're still in my life?


	2. Favorite song

Favorite song

My favorite song was made out of every word that came out of your mouth. Wether it was happy or sad, your voice always seemed to sing a song only I was able to listen to. Of course, we had our song, because we all have a song with that special someone. And you just knew it was our song. That fucking song. From your favorite band. A song we and together. A song that spoke to our souls, that talked about us.

That day, it was just us, singing along, smiling at each other like we were in love. Because maybe we already were. What does it matter anyway? You're long gone and the song still plays in my head, on my phone, in my earphones. Specially during summer. During those lonely summer nights where I go out to look at the stars and wonder if you're ever looking back at me, singing along our long lost song.

Maybe that's why I love the sky so much. And the stars. Maybe it's because you're always and forever will be. My ray of sunshine. When I told you that you were the moon and all my stars, I never thought you'd take it literally. But you were a Joker.

And my Harley Quinn was head over heels for you.


	3. Comfort

Comfort.

With you it was always easy to talk. There wasn't awkwardness or hesitation when talking about my problems. You were always there, listening, answering, comforting. With you it was easy. I didn't feel the need to hide what I felt. I could burst into tears and feel ok because you were there.  
I could go off for hours, talking, mostly crying, about how unfair the world is, how everything is f*cked up. And you would just comfort me, just like you did.  
With you it was easy.  
No anxiety whenever I wanted to talk about something, no insecurities about wether or not I was bothering you. With you everything felt alright. It was also easy to love you. You were already head over heels for me, but I was stupid enough to not notice. But with time, we found each other, stuck together, until death took you from me. And ever since then, I've been missing, not only you, but one of the things you gave me the most.

Comfort.


	4. Warmth

Warmth.

I can still feel it. Your hand on my hand. Your head on my shoulder. Your arms wrapped around me whenever I wanted to cry. Your body next to mine, slowly falling asleep to the stupid songs we used to listen to. And there was always the other way around.  
My hands on your hair, slowly caressing it as you relaxed your mind. My head on your lap whenever you played video games. Our bodies were always colliding. Touching at some point. And I kinda miss that too. How you suddenly grabbed my hand and kissed it, how you gave me surprise hugs just because I seemed down (and you knew that I love hugs).  
Our late night cuddlings, napping, practically clinging to each other. Your warmth. I'll never feel it again. Ever since that day, my body, heart and soul have only grown colder. And it's been the only thing I need. Your presence, your jokes, your company and Comfort, your warmth.

Just you.


	5. Happiness

Happiness.

You made me happy. You still do. Even now, as you show up in my dreams and nightmares. Even when you make me wake up in a cold sweat, reminding me that you're not here anymore. Even when I see things that remind me of that day. And yeah, that may not be your fault, but at the same time, it is.  
You were stupid. And yeah, it may have ended your pain, but it didn't end mine. Even so, you still make me happy. You still make me bring back old memories, full of smiles and laughs i'll never be able to hear or see again. I find myself smiling at nothing, just because of you. And I guess we could say you're part of what truly makes me happy.  
You're my happiness. Not just that you are... You were... Everything to me.

And at the end of the day, no matter how happy you make me feel, you never fail to remind me that that happiness was taken away from me, by your own hands.


	6. Moving on (?)

Moving on (?)

You think i'll ever be able to do that? I don't. I mean, I moved on from our love, Just because it's no good to love people who you know won't love us back. Specially if they're dead.  
But your presence in my life… It's already been two years and I thought I could hide it forever, I really did. But then something, maybe your birthday, told me it was wrong to forget. Pretend like it didn't happen.  
Perhaps i'll never move on from what happened, but you know, I have my friends. Ones I already had, ones I met during these two years. So many important friends. I'm scared that if I do the wrong move, the same will happen to them. The same that happened to you.  
I love them, just as I loved you. And I'm not ready to lose them. Not yet. I losy you, yeah. And one day, maybe, I'll move on.


	7. Beach

Beach.

I always associate the beach with you. Maybe that's why I hate it. I hate remembering your face lightning up every time you found a Shell and gave it to me. I hate thinking about how you liked to stay there until the sun set, and held my hand the whole time. I hate sitting there and thinking about the times you used to talk about your family. It's just like our song says.

"I hate the beach but I stand in California with my toes in the sand"

The footprints we left there, every step of our journey and adventure, the waves erased any traces of them. And they still do. They go back and forward like we used to, taking sand and paths into the ocean. It didn't take you. I would never let you drown in your ocean of tears. But even so, I failed. I hate the beach because you're not there. But I also love it because it reminds me of you.  
I hope you don't mind if I share that happiness, that place, with someone else. Someone who's here. Who I love. Who I'm willing to go to the beach with and Forget old memories.  
I hope you don't mind that it's not you anymore.


	8. Maps

Maps.

You're everywhere. Always. In every street, in every person, every star, cloud and animal. Specially autumn. When leaves start to fall and everything is warm, full of red, Orange, yellow, and Brown. It starts to get colder, and we start to get closer. Until suddenly we're lost again, without each other's warmth. We loose ourselves in the labyrinth that is our mind, desperately looking for a way out. I should stop dreaming, The is no way out. There's no way out of this reality you're not in. I gotta keep going, find myself again. Search in every map, every street, every alley and highway. Every corn field, forest, desert and snowy mountain. I'll keep looking until I eventually come back to where I started. To you. Because all my maps take me to where my heart is.

And you're the only cardinal point I need.


	9. Last Day

Last day.

Our last day together was like any other day. It was another one of those "it's ok i'll tell you tomorrow" or "I'll talk to you later". Except that it wasn't. There was no tomorrow for you. And no one was ready to face it. You left in the blink of na eye, leaving behind memories, objects and spilled blood all over the floor. On my hands. On my mind and soul. Everywhere.  
You left in a matter of seconds. And I wasn't ready. I didn't know how to process it. So I didn't. I took it in for days, I remembre just fine. I would eat, sleep, go on with my life, pretending you were there. Except that you weren't. And I couldn't bring myself to accept that for way too much. I saw you everywhere, I still do.  
I still hear your voice call out my name. Sometimes in whispers, sometimes screaming in agony. I feel things touching me. On my shoulders, on my back, but whenever I turn around, there isn't anyone. I wish it was you. Today and forever, always you.

I don't care if I hear voices in my head or not, as long as it's you and as long as I can remember my days before your last, I'm fine with losing myself for you.


	10. Your shirt

Your shirt.

It was your shirt that I held onto when I wanted to cry. It was your shirt I hugged when I fell asleep in your arms. It was your shirt I wore whenever you were away. But not anymore. Not even once since then. I don't miss them. I didn't keep any of them. I don't wanna see it again, remember how your body once wore it, when you were still alive. It always smelled nice, you were a perfectionist about scents and I never really knew why, but you were.  
And your shirt smelled like you. Like your shampoo and your perfume. It smelled… Nice. But I won't wear it anymore. Even if I miss your touch, your presense, everything about you, I just don't want to remember the scent of a dead person. Again. Not after these two years, where I got used to not having anything that belonged to you in my life, except for myself. Maybe that's why I hate myself so much. Because I belonged to you.

Sadly, yeah, but proudly.


	11. Falling in love

Falling in love.

Feels like a roller coaster. Like a plot from a book you can't stop Reading. Like death. It's unstoppable. You suddenly start feeling… things. And next thing you know you're melting ove someone. You're surredering your whole being. You're falling. In love. Something so powerful, so pure and yet sinful. Something that makes you feel like you're on top of the world and at the same time you're hitting rock bottom.

Love is beautiful. It's warm and pretty, full of all the things you imagine and see in fairy tales. But it's also fucked up. It empties your heart, leaves your mind with nothing but painful thoughts. It sometimes ends lives too. Love is something selfish. And unfair. I love someone for what? Nothing. There's no point. I love someone for the simple need of feeling something other than angst and pain.

Falling in love is fucked up. It destroys hearts, minds, people, friendships. Everything. Because of one feeling that people can't control.  
Love.


	12. Feelings

Feelings.

I don't want them. I don't have them. I don't care about them and neither does anyone else. You fucking broke me. Made my feelings seem like a joke. And for once that makes me fucking hate you. Even you, my love. My dearest angel. If you were still here, I'd hit your fucking face with a brick. Tell you to fuck off. I'm not a fucking joke. You're either in or out. And honestly I never knew where you stood.

But who cares right? I was and still am a fucking joke. A doll whose feelings you can play with. I fucking hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Fuck you and everything you've ever loved and cared about before fucking leaving me. I hate you. I hate how you sometimes didn't care. I hate how in the last second, as you let out your last sigh, you didn't hesitate, ignoring the fucking pain everyone would go through.  
You're the fucking joke here man. You're the biggest and best joke i've ever known. And yet you're the only one laughing.

Fuck you.


	13. Realization

Realization.

It hit me like a train (far from home reference), I truly wasn't expecting it. I never knew when it happened or how it happened. It could have been between the long night conversations or all the hours we spent playing video games. Between hugs and consolations. It just somehow… happened. And I couldn't process it. Because yeah, you were there, and I was there, and I was falling for you. I remembre dreaming about you and waking up wiht flushed cheeks and a racing heart. And I truly felt scared, because I didn't want to ruin everything that we had as friends.

So I tried to swallow those feelings. Make them disappear. BUt it was impossible. You were by my side everyday, making me fall in love with you all over again. And yeah, maybe you're one of the only people I allow myself to be weak for. Because maybe that's the only time I don't feel ashamed of being weak.  
When I'm in love.


	14. Touch

Touch.

We were always touching each other. Physically and psychologically. We were both anxious, scared of doing the wrong thing, but there were always hands touching hands, caressing cheeks, arms pulling each other into quick hugs. That's just how we did it. And somehow I was ok with it. Until I wasn't. But even so, I didn't go to the next level. I stayed where I was, where we were, beucase things could go wrong, we knew it would go wrong. So we stayed. Together, yes, but insecure, not knowing where we stood in each others' hearts, not knowing if there was gonna be anything more, anything to hope for, or if we were supposed to give up right there.  
We risked everything, and chose to have something more. It didn't go wrong, in the beginning of course, but it soon went downhill. And now here we stand, together again. Same doubts, same touches, but completely diferente thoughts on what to do next. What does it matter anyway, right? There are no feelings. There's no love. There's only gente touches.

And that's all I can feel.


	15. Care

Care.

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I pretend I do, sometimes I pretend I don't. I guess it depends on the day. But there was always that word on my mind. Because I did care. Because I wanted you to care. And you didn't care. BUt even so, you cared. You were always there, always by my side.Always caring about me, like I cared about you. Except for that last day, where your selfish side showed itself and the last thing you did was care about me. I keep asking myself why I still care. Maybe deep down, I don't. Maybe I'm just trying too hard to impress someone that's already gone. But I guess we'll never know.

I also care too much. About people, things, problems. Specially those three combined. I care too much about my loved ones. Because if I dared to say that i didn't, they would all get offended and stay fucking mad, because apparently, they're allowed to not care, but I'm not. And it just makes me want to fucking care less. Maybe that's what happened to you. I know how your childhood was. Maybe the best thing to do is just follow your footsteps, right til the end. After all, we were made for each other, and just like you said from beyond the grave,  
I don't care.


	16. Farewell

Farewell.

There were times where we had to say goodbye. Temporarily of course, but it hurt just as much. To see your expressions, to know your pain, even tho you were trying to hide it. Those quick yet long hugs we shared in a hurry, those words full of meaning, yet empty of feeling, those eyes full of life, yet dead at the same time. If there was something that tortured me, was witnessing those moments. Until the day you were the one to say goodbye. Or "say" goodbye. You didn't say a thing. You only showed me, introduced me into a whole new world. A world without you in it. A beautiful world, full of wonderful things, but where you weren't alive and therefor I didn't want to live in it. I still don't. I don't blame it all on you, not all of it. But you started it, in a way. You and your selfish way of saying goodbye. Because, I had the decency to look into your eyes and witness your pain, suffer with it and endure it. Know it hurt. The only thing you witnessed, was the blood coarsing out of your veins as your soul left your body. And that doesn't even count as the slightest bit of pain that i've felt.

When I had to say goodbye, I always told you about how much I would miss you, how much I loved you and care for you.  
When you had to say goodbye, you threw a "fuck you" sign at my face and left.

And that was our last farewell.


	17. Alcohol to a wound

Alcohol to a wound.

Pour it down, pour it down. Just keep pouring until you're atisfied. Just keep pouring until you're drunk on the feeling of seeing me bleed. Bleed words and feelings, bleed memories and tears, everything that belongs to you. Pour it down, into the cup. Drink it along with your medicine. The one you never took but made me take.  
Pour it down, pour it down. Drown me in the bathtub that is your mind. Watch my lings fill with water, as you consume everything in me.  
Pour it down, pour it down. Kick the chair away and watch me suffocate, neck tied in a rope of all the lies you said. All the bullshit you didn't mean.  
Pour it down, pour it down. Make me drink all the poison. The poison you were imune to, but still drank to play with the doll you made out of me. Make me drink all the poison that was your love.  
Pour it down, pour it down, the smell of gasoline all around me. Everything is dark, except for you, you and your green eyes. Use my heart as lighter and burn my entire being, destroy every trace of your touch.  
Pour it down, pour it down. Cut it deeper. Slice my heart like I slice my wrists with the blade that is your name.

And suddenly it's over. No more pouring. Maybe you finished the first bottle. The first of many to come. But it's ok. Keep destroying me. I made this to myself. Isn't it love… After all?


End file.
